


should probably bite my tongue (i can’t be the only one)

by teddygyubs (ghosting553)



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Choi Beomgyu Is Bad At Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28445988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghosting553/pseuds/teddygyubs
Summary: He can tell that Taehyun is working hard to read him, scanning his face with his big eyes, mouth parted in the same way it would be if he were working out an approach to a math problem or choreography sequence. Taehyun doesn’t jump to conclusions – he gathers information, lets it steer him on how to proceed.Beomgyu is intent on not giving him anything to work with.(Or, Beomgyu is resigned to the fact that his strained relationship with Taehyun can’t be fixed. He can't help the way he's drawn to him anyway.)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Kang Taehyun, Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 12
Kudos: 122





	should probably bite my tongue (i can’t be the only one)

**Author's Note:**

> •for any applicable canon references, i will have links in the endnotes to corresponding videos :)   
>  •here is the obvious disclaimer that even though this is canon compliant, it is still a work of fiction. nothing in this story is meant to be interpreted as the real version of events as experienced by the real humans that have been turned into fictional characters.   
>  •title is from "is it just me?" by sasha sloan
> 
> this has been my labor of love for the last month & it went through the ringer multiple times with the help of my wonderful friends/betas/cheerleaders e & n - so a huge thank you to them!! i really hope i did this dynamic justice & that all u sweet taeguyists enjoy <3

“I know you’re awake,” Taehyun’s voice says, somewhere that feels further than _too_ close but not quite the other side of the room. Probably hovering near the table, probably closer to Beomgyu’s feet than where his head is resting on the other end of the couch.

Beomgyu squints one eye open to confirm his position. “So what?” he asks, muffled a bit from where his cheek is pressed into his arm.

Taehyun shrugs. “So nothing,” he looks up from where he was fiddling with his phone, locking both eyes with Beomgyu’s one open. “I just wanted you to know that I see you.”

Beomgyu opens and rolls both of his eyes at that, weakly grasping for the closest thing on the table next to him. When his fingers find an empty chopsticks sleeve, he half-heartedly throws it in Taehyun’s direction, knowing it’s a lost cause. The paper floats pathetically to the ground a few feet away, and Taehyun’s laugh rings brightly through the room.

Beomgyu squints back up at him and pouts. “You’re no fun. I was almost asleep until you ruined it.”

“You may fool the others, hyung, but you’ve never fooled me.” Taehyun’s chest is still puffing with laughter, gaping mouth smile revealing glinting white teeth. Like a big cat eyeing their prey, reveling in drawing out the kill. 

He walks forward to sit on the arm rest, grabbing one of Beomgyu’s ankles and shaking it with a bounce of his knee. “Come on! Play with me.”

Beomgyu flips onto his back and throws his arm across his face. “You’re just bored. Take it out on someone else.”

“We haven’t been bored a single day since debut. Why don’t you think I want to spend time with you?”

Beomgyu is grateful for his arm shielding his flushing face. He wonders if Taehyun is doing it on purpose, saying something to twist his guts up. He can’t stop the pressure it builds from crawling up to his chest, pushing his next words out of his throat–

“Because you never do anymore.” 

He feels Taehyun’s leg still, but his ankle remains in his grip. Beomgyu thinks about how he can still save this. Before Taehyun can get a response out, Beomgyu kicks at his thighs with his free foot, effectively freeing the other one, and shoots up. When in doubt, overdo it.

“My sweet little Taehyunnie, my precious dongsaeng is too grown up for me these days!” He drags out each syllable into an insufferable, petulant tone. Leaning his elbows on Taehyun’s knees and grabbing for his shirt, he continues, “You’ve gotten too cool, you don’t ever want to spend time with hyung anymore.”

Taehyun finally huffs out, “So dramatic,” and Beomgyu can feel him shaking his head.

“Have you ever thought that maybe I just miss you?” Beomgyu knows he’s toeing the line now between _obviously I’m joking_ and _here is my entire soul on a silver platter_ but he’s dizzy with the smell of Taehyun’s shower gel and honestly, he hasn’t had him in his grasp like this in months. 

“Dummy.” He both hears and feels the voice, so completely deadpan, so completely _Taehyun_. “We see each other every single day.”

And maybe that’s what does it, that’s what finally snaps the string. Because every single day since LA, Beomgyu has felt Taehyun’s absence no matter how much time they spend in each other’s orbits; he feels it even as physically close as they are now. Of course, he has always known that it isn’t like that for Taehyun, but for some reason, hearing it like this makes him feel suffocated.

He frees Taehyun’s shirt from his grip and slowly peels himself away, schooling his own expression into coolness. 

“We can hang out any other day, then,” he says. “I don’t feel like playing with you right now.”

He can tell that Taehyun is working hard to read him, scanning his face with his big eyes, mouth parted in the same way it would be if he were working out an approach to a math problem or choreography sequence. Taehyun doesn’t jump to conclusions – he gathers information, lets it steer him on how to proceed. 

Beomgyu is intent on not giving him anything to work with. 

Whatever evaluation Taehyun has finally made, he keeps under wraps just as well. “Okay,” he says, matching Beomgyu’s indifference. “I’ll go bother Soobin-hyung.”

***

He’s walking Taehyun to middle school, and Beomgyu suddenly understands how the older two must feel watching Hueningkai grow up. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t feel that way about the youngest maknae as well, but he was drawn to Taehyun _because_ he didn’t seem younger. 

They often joked that their roles were reversed, and Yeonjun and Soobin treated them that way. But to Beomgyu, that was all the more reason to make sure Taehyun knew he had someone to look out for him. 

“You don’t have to treat me like a baby,” Taehyun says. “After this year, we’ll be going to school together.”

Beomgyu pouts. “I don’t think you’re a baby. Even though you look like one in that uniform – hey!” Taehyun slaps his arm. 

“Ah, don’t act tough. I can tell you’re worried. You shouldn’t be,” he half-teases. “You’ll always be hyung to me.” 

“Gross. No one is worried about you, Kang Taehyun. I don’t even know why you have to _go_ to middle school when your brain is so big. They should just let you skip a year or two.”

“But then I wouldn’t get to bother you when you finally catch up to me. What fun would that be?”

“Catch up to you?” Beomgyu slaps a hand to his own chest in faux offense. “If anything, I’m being polite and _waiting_ for you. I could have stayed in school this year. But I’m such a good hyung.” He looks up at the sky. “I might be too good to you, actually.”

“Mmm.” Taehyun closes his eyes and exaggerates his nod, always so indulgent. “Must be exhausting, being so great. I’ll think about that next time you need me for something.”

They stop outside of the school then, and Beomgyu brings a hand to Taehyun’s shoulder. 

“All I need from you is your continued health and happiness, my beloved dongsaeng,” he says wistfully, teasing. 

“I’m happy when hyung is happy,” Taehyun coos back, equally playful. He swats Beomgyu’s hand away. “Now let me go so you can miss me.” 

***

They’re in their first dorm, where the living room is also their closet and all five of them sleep in one bedroom. The tops of their heads are touching as they crouch over notes on the floor.

“We’ve thrown around so many ideas,” Taehyun says. “Aren’t I supposed to be the perfectionist?”

Beomgyu runs a finger over his lower lip. “This is going to be _our_ thing. Don’t you want to make sure it’s right?” 

“Let’s think about us, then. What do we both like?” The word _us_ in Taehyun’s voice, Beomgyu wants to swallow it, but settles on his own spit and coughs a little.

“That’s easy. Music.”

Beomgyu feels Taehyun’s knee brush against his thigh as he laughs. “We’re idols, silly. All of us like music.”

“Well, what if we weren’t idols? What would we do if we didn’t just have to listen to our own songs all the time?”

“We’d listen to the radio, maybe. Like normal people.”

Beomgyu chews on his pen, staring at the inch of space between their crossed legs. Taehyun’s face lights up.

“Hyung, I think that’s it.”

“What is?”

“Let’s host our own radio show.”

Even if Beomgyu hated the concept, he’s sure he’d go along with anything Taehyun wanted if it meant he’d keep smiling this wide. They finish their first script outline that night.

“I know everyone says this about their own ideas, but I really think we came up with the best one,” Beomgyu says. 

“It’s unique,” Taehyun agrees. “Something only we could do.”

“Let’s promise, then.” Beomgyu holds out his pinky. “No guest hosts. This is our show. Just you and me.”

“Okay.” Taehyun nods. He locks his own pinky with Beomgyu’s, brings their thumbs to touch.

Beomgyu can feel the warmth from where their fingers are connected travel across his palm, up his arm, down his spine.

***

They’re finishing their last scene for “Cat and Dog,” out on the blacktop. It’s cold, but they’re dancing, making it hard to strike a balance in body temperature between takes.

Beomgyu feels hazy from the contrast between his coat and the fan on his face, sweat creating a plastic wrap effect on his body. Still, he can’t help himself from curling around Taehyun, burying his face in the marshmallow softness of the jacket covering his back.

“Your makeup is going to rub off on me,” Taehyun complains, but brings a hand over where Beomgyu’s are interlocked around his waist. Beomgyu feels a chill run up his arms (because it’s cold outside, obviously).

“I’m tired,” Beomgyu whines, even though he’s not, not really. “Talk to me so I don’t fall asleep.” He hooks his chin over Taehyun’s shoulder, waiting.

“Okay,” Taehyun says, and Beomgyu can see his cheeks moving up in amusement. “What will we do, when we’re in the States? We’re leaving so soon.”

“Well, we’ve got shows to perform. I think that will take up some time.”

“Sure.”

“And we’re filming our first reality series.”

“Of course.”

“But we’ll still have time to do the things we want,” Beomgyu sways them side to side. “I bet Soobin-hyungie will want to try bread from every bakery we can find.”

“We’ll practice our English,” Taehyun says, “but you’ll mess something up, and it’ll be really embarrassing.” 

“Hey.” Beomgyu stills them, squeezing tighter around Taehyun’s middle and nuzzling closer into his neck. He fights the urge to bite down on salty skin.

“Stop it, you’re clammy.” Taehyun laughs. “We’ll be tired, but happy too. It’s once in a lifetime, right? All of us together, seeing things for the first time.”

Beomgyu tries to envision what it will feel like, but all he can focus on is Taehyun in his arms, heat pooling in his stomach and shivers wracking his frame. He wonders if this, too, can carry across an ocean.

***

“Bweomieeeeee-yaaahhhhh,” a voice sings above him. “Wake up, brat! I can’t believe you slept so hard on this couch.”

“Yeonjunnie-hyung.” Beomgyu blinks his eyes open, slowly processing the image of cat-like eyes and pink hair above him. 

“What were you dreaming about? You look kind of…pained.” Yeonjun pokes at his cheek. 

Beomgyu sighs. “Last summer,” he answers. “The American tour.”

“Oh.”

A brief pause, and Beomgyu can tell Yeonjun is mulling something over – he’s making the face he does when he isn’t sure if he should ask a follow-up question. Beomgyu doesn’t give him the opportunity.

“We were in Harry Potter World, and you made that horrible face eating that dirt-flavored jelly bean –“

“Very funny. Go wash up.” Yeonjun pushes up under his shoulders to get him to rise. “Soobinnie will put on his sad face if we’re late, and you know I can’t deal with his sad face.”

“I know. It’s _unbearably_ cute,” Beomgyu mocks. His entire body aches from sleeping on the couch, and he makes a mental note to make up for brushing Taehyun off in his moment of sensitivity the night before. 

*

Beomgyu absentmindedly fiddles with Taehyun’s shoelace from the floor of the practice room.

“How are you not tired?” Taehyun asks from above him. He’s propped up on his elbows while Beomgyu stays closer to the ground on his stomach. 

“How would you know how tired I am?”

Taehyun rolls his eyes up into platinum bangs. “You’re fidgeting. You get like this when you have energy to burn.”

“Are you complaining? I thought you wanted to play with me.” Beomgyu looks up through thick lashes, pouting. Taehyun raises an eyebrow, lips quirking into a smile.

“Let’s play then. Choreography battle. First to mess up buys dinner.”

“I’ll judge,” Hueningkai pipes up from the corner where he has clearly been eavesdropping. Soobin is passed out across his thighs, Yeonjun also sleeping a few feet away. 

Hueningkai sings a few bars and counts them off, and they drill eight-count after eight-count, so practiced that neither of them slip. At some point Yeonjun leaves to work in his studio, and Soobin watches in amusement for a while before he gets called to meet with a manager. It’s unclear how much time passes with no winner before they are both drenched in sweat, legs starting to shake. 

“As judge, I’m making an official decision to call it.” Hueningkai laughs. “You can split the cost of dinner. Some of us have real work to do.” 

“So go do it. We can judge ourselves.” Beomgyu sticks his tongue out, unwilling to move on just yet, not when this is the easiest it’s felt to hang out with Taehyun in months.

“I’ll be back when you’re ready to take our orders.” The youngest blows a kiss as he skips out of the room, and Taehyun and Beomgyu collapse to the floor laughing. 

“I don’t think I can dance anymore,” Taehyun’s voice pants from a few feet away. Beomgyu’s eyes are closed, but he feels the bright lights of the room behind his lids.

“Me neither,” he sighs, “truce?”

“Truce.”

For a beat, there are no sounds except their heavy breathing.

“Remember when we used to go to the arcade after school?” Taehyun suddenly asks.

Beomgyu opens his eyes and turns to look at him. “Remember when we had _time_ to go to the arcade after school?” 

Taehyun hums in agreement. “Things were easier then. But it was like this – we’d play air hockey to decide who would buy drinks.”

“And you literally _always_ lost. I’ve never seen anyone so bad at air hockey.”

Taehyun laughs again, and Beomgyu realizes how much he craves the sound, craves the high of knowing he can still be the one to bring it out.

“I let you win, stupid. Every time, I let you win.”

“Liar,” Beomgyu spits back.

“I did. I didn’t mean to make it a habit, I just…after the first time, I saw how happy it made you. So I lost on purpose, every time, because I wanted you to keep going back with me.”

Beomgyu’s ribs feel like they could crack open from the midline. He has so much he could say, or ask, but the first thing that slips out is: “So what changed?”

“Hmm?” 

“Why not let me win now?”

Taehyun scans him over, still feet away, _too far_ but close enough that Beomgyu can see his chest rise and fall, trace the sweat beads on his forehead.

“I know you now,” he says. “I know you’ll come back, even when you don’t win.”

Beomgyu feels so transparent, he could swear in that moment that he _hates_ Kang Taehyun. 

***

They’re waiting to meet with their company seniors in Chicago, and Beomgyu can’t keep still. He sits down on the couch, then stands back up, then hovers over where Taehyun is sitting with the notepad in his lap and reaches for it, anxiously flipping through the pages without looking at them.

“Be careful not to rip it,” Taehyun says, tugging at the bottom of Beomgyu’s jacket. He takes the book back and offers his hand instead, letting Beomgyu nervously knead over his palm. 

They get advice on how they can improve their team chemistry, clearly nowhere near as seasoned as the group in front of them yet. RM-sunbaenim says:

“With your members, you’ll come to know that there is a difference between ‘I _can’t_ do this without you’ and ‘I don’t _want_ to do this without you.’ If you are going to be in this together, long-term, you have to want each other as much as you want the success.” 

Beomgyu looks over at Taehyun, and suddenly two feet away feels like miles.

***

He doesn’t realize he’s bouncing his leg so aggressively until Taehyun is on the floor in front of where he’s seated on the couch, stopping the movement with his elbows as he leans back against him. 

“If you act like this on the live, the fans are going to know something is up with you,” he says, turning his head up in Beomgyu’s direction.

Beomgyu pulls his hood closer to his eyes and rests his forehead in his hands, nose grazing Taehyun’s bleach-fried hair, and groans.

“What _is_ up with you, anyway? I haven’t seen you like this in a while.”

“I’ve just been…thinking about some things.”

“Well, maybe try not to so much.”

Taehyun reaches for Beomgyu’s hands and drapes them over his shoulders, grazing his collarbone. 

“Here,” he says calmly, “do whatever you want. Ground yourself. I promise not to swing at you.”

Beomgyu takes his permission to heart. Over the course of the broadcast, he runs his thumbs against Taehyun’s jawline, tugs at the collar of his t-shirt – folds it inside out, then unfolds it, folds it over again. He drags his chin through Taehyun’s hair and smooths out his bangs, lets the smell of his shampoo keep him anchored to the present. 

He can manage, like that, to be part of the conversation with the others. He can answer questions and make jokes, because Taehyun is right _here_ , which means Beomgyu doesn’t have to use all of his mental energy scanning for him across the couch, craving his proximity and attention.

Beomgyu wants him like this all the time, under his fingertips, locked into his space, occupying all of his senses. It scares him a little, how he feels like they can never get close enough.

When he knows the live is ending, Beomgyu nestles Taehyun’s head against his throat, circles his arms around his shoulders, and holds him as close as he possibly can from this angle. He doesn’t know if Taehyun will ever let him do this again, and he isn’t ready to let him go.

“Feeling better?” Taehyun murmurs softly, after the camera is off and the others have spread out and turned their attention elsewhere.

“Mmm,” Beomgyu hums from where his face is buried in Taehyun’s hair again.

Taehyun pinches at the back of his hands, still clasped together in front of his chest.

“Don’t get used to it,” he says, but there’s no bite. Beomgyu even hazards to think he might be just as relaxed from the ongoing contact. He takes one last inhale, and finally releases him.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

***

When Beomgyu twists his ankle in Atlanta, he can’t shake his disappointment for hours.

“I don’t understand why you’re still upset, hyung, no one is mad at you,” Taehyun says. “This isn’t the last or the worst challenge we’ll deal with. We all have to learn how to move on quickly.”

***

They’re in Los Angeles, and they’ve just finished the last show of their first American tour. Beomgyu still can’t believe that only ninety days after debuting, they were given an opportunity like Wango Tango.

They’re shuttled off stage immediately back onto their golf cart, impossible then to differentiate between the vibrations of their own bodies and the clunky movements of the vehicle. 

Taehyun takes his place next to Beomgyu in the middle row and he can feel the heat radiating off of his body. Yeonjun and Hueningkai are behind them facing backwards, throwing their hands in the air like they’re on a rollercoaster, cheering and yelling.

Taehyun takes a shaky swig from his bottle, and even with water dribbling down his chin and bangs askew with sweat, Beomgyu thinks he looks beautiful. Taehyun catches his eyes, and his mouth spreads into a wide smile that Beomgyu can’t help but return. 

Taehyun slides a hand under Beomgyu’s, where he’s fidgeting with the jacket in his lap over restless legs. He weaves their fingers together, and Beomgyu isn’t sure if his heart is racing from just the performance anymore.

They all come together as they always do before the end of the night for a team meeting, this one particularly buzzing with all the energy that has culminated over the last two weeks.

“I’m very proud of all of you,” Soobin finishes, clasping his hands together, “and with that, the cameras are off for the night, so –“

“Ice cream?!” Hueningkai yells, leaping on top of their leader. “Please, can we get some? We deserve to celebrate.”

Soobin is never one to resist Hueningkai and Yeonjun is never one to resist either of them, so the trio agree to go down to the closest convenience store. That leaves Taehyun, alone with Beomgyu in his and Yeonjun’s shared hotel room. 

They’re sitting across from each other, one on each bed, meeting eyes only when the door slams behind the others. Beomgyu is the first to crack and start giggling, Taehyun soon to follow and speak.

“This whole day feels unreal. I should be exhausted but…I’m just not.”

“Awwww, I’m so glad we’re not roommates.” Beomgyu leans forward to pinch at one of Taehyun’s dimples. “I don’t need you keeping me up all night.” 

Taehyun grabs his wrist, effectively stilling him. “You wish we were roommates. I know you hate being away from me,” he teases. “Couldn’t stop thinking about me for the few hours they separated us for the show, even.” 

Beomgyu lunges forward, twisting his hand around to regain control and interlocking their fingers, pinning Taehyun underneath him with their hands by his head. He pinches his side with his free hand, and both of them are squirming, Beomgyu taunting, “Please! You give me a headache, idiot. I was happy to get some time away from you.”

They are both running out of breath at this point, adrenaline from the day colliding with the crash of the last few hours. Beomgyu has no other explanation for how they end up nose to nose, no logical way to justify his next move. 

Taehyun’s face is blurry from how close it is and Beomgyu barely hears him say, “I don’t believe you,” before he’s pressing their lips together. Beomgyu can feel the hard outline of his teeth behind the softness of his closed mouth, still sticky with remnants performance gloss.

It’s not long enough for them to push and deepen past the limit of stilled, chaste awkwardness, but not short enough to play it off as an accident. It takes Beomgyu’s brain a minute to catch up to his body, shocking him into pulling back. 

Taehyun’s still breathing hard, pupils blown. “Hyung –“

“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu shoots out, scrambling off of him to sit back on the other bed. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

It feels like an eternity of glances shot between each other and the floor in thick silence before they can hear the others’ voices coming from down the hall. 

Taehyun, of course, is the one to keep it all from crumbling. 

He is up before the door even clicks open, somehow managing to look completely fine when Beomgyu feels anything but. 

“Ah, you’re back!” he says, standing by the doorway as a buffer. “Beomgyu-hyung was just going to sleep. Maybe we should eat somewhere else and let him rest.”

“That’s too bad.” Beomgyu can hear Soobin’s lower lip protruding. “But of course, we can go to my room.”

“Sleep well, hyung!” Hueningkai calls affectionately. 

Beomgyu has slid himself almost entirely under the covers, so he can’t see Yeonjun, but he hears him pad a few feet into the room and say, “We got your favorite. I’ll leave it on the dresser.”

He hears the door click shut again and he lets himself have a few moments of stillness in his blanket cocoon before he’s sitting up again, head reeling. He grabs the ice cream bar Yeonjun left for him, can’t even taste it, just lets the cold against his tongue shock his system back into reality. He had been so careless, and he couldn’t take it back. 

Dragging himself to the shower, he lets the hot water bring his heart rate down to some semblance of normal, leans his head against the tile. He brings a finger to his bottom lip, and it’s still just the slightest bit sticky.

*

The click of the door again in the morning is what wakes him from his heavy sleep, the kind he can feel his entire body struggling to come out of. 

“Let’s go, sleepy head.” Yeonjun brushes a hand through Beomgyu’s mussed, bleached locks. He must have passed out in one of the other rooms. “Got to catch that sunrise. The car is coming in 10 minutes.”

Beomgyu pulls on the clothes he’d laid out with glassy eyes, and he can feel Yeonjun staring at him with concern. 

“Please stop that, hyung,” Beomgyu mutters. “It’s literally four in the morning, I’m tired.”

Yeonjun pouts but doesn’t press. The others are already waiting in the lobby when they get downstairs, Hueningkai excitedly jumping around, Soobin rubbing his eyes. 

Beomgyu immediately scans for Taehyun, who gives him a small smile when he meets his gaze, and reaches a hand out for him. 

“Sit with me?” He asks, and Beomgyu’s heart stutters, a tiny flower of hope sprouting in the deep corners of his brain. 

They settle into the back seat, and Beomgyu looks over at Taehyun expectantly for any sign of how he feels. He can tell he’s formulating something to say, and any tiny belief that this might go positively is suddenly squashed, flower kicked under soil.

“I don’t want you to worry,” Taehyun speaks low enough for only Beomgyu to hear him. “Yesterday was such a huge day for us – so I understand. I just think…”

“Think what?” Beomgyu can barely get out a whisper, impatient for Taehyun to finish conjuring up a perfect way to say whatever he’s trying to get across. 

“I think we need to be careful. We’re on a team.”

It doesn’t sound like a flat-out rejection. A petal tentatively poking out from under the dirt… 

“Any impulsive decision could have consequences for everyone.”

…and just like that, stomped on again. 

Beomgyu swallows, hot tears threatening the corners of his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Taehyunnie, I-“

“It’s okay.” The hand that comes to his leg intending comfort feels like a brand searing into his skin. “I care for you, hyung. I want us to be in this together. Nothing has to change. Nothing _will_ change.”

Beomgyu challenges himself to look at Taehyun’s eyes, and they’re adamant, begging him to agree to forget this. He had already made the decision for both of them, probably as soon as it was over, while Beomgyu was still processing it had even happened in the first place. 

“Nothing will change,” Beomgyu repeats, placing a hand over Taehyun’s where it rests on his thigh. 

***

They’re filming the first season of their variety show, and the name of the game echoes off of stark white walls:

“Mouth to mouth.” 

Beomgyu’s eyes go wide. “With the colored paper?” 

He’s seen other groups play before – a fan service game where there’s nothing but a thin sheet separating lips, the equivalent of a t-shirt in a snowstorm. 

“Not that one,” the producer explains, and Beomgyu feels himself relax a bit.

The game is to move flour down the line, transferring it to the next person using plates held between their teeth. They’ll still have to get pretty close, but it’s not as mortifying as the alternative. Still, Beomgyu is glad he’s at the front, only responsible for picking up the first scoop and passing it on to Soobin. 

Until the second round, that is.

Beomgyu can feel his luck running out and desperately tries to cling to his place in line. The producer makes the first swap: Yeonjun and Taehyun, the latter now on the other side of Soobin. 

“Now Beomgyu-ssi, and…”

“No, please, please no.” Beomgyu closes his eyes.

Shakes his head.

Drops to his _knees._

He knows this will probably make a great bit for the show, but he also means it, because he knows what’s coming. 

“Soobin-ssi.”

Beomgyu wants to cry. Reluctantly, he swaps places, looking guiltily at Taehyun who is now on his left. Taehyun is staring at him, probably has been for the entire ordeal, and huffs out a disbelieving laugh. Great.

Beomgyu tries to keep as much distance as possible, contemplating if he can just…toss the flour over without getting any closer. He can feel the others watching, growing frustrated with his hesitation. 

“Why are you making it awkward?” Yeonjun scolds, confusion apparent. “Come on, we don’t have all day.”

“Here, do it like this,” Taehyun says, tilting his head to the side to demonstrate. “It’ll work better.”

And it does. But Beomgyu can feel Taehyun’s nose brush against his temple as he moves to accommodate him, and every nerve in his body is short circuiting. He panics, the jerk of his head flinging the flour onto Taehyun’s face instead. 

“Idiot,” Taehyun mutters through the clench of his teeth on the plate.

The second attempt is less messy, but Beomgyu still can’t focus with Taehyun right on top of him. 

“Stand here, please.” Beomgyu puts Taehyun at arm’s length, which forces him to turn his own head at a near impossible angle to transfer the flour successfully – but at least he can breathe. 

*

“Hueningie is worried that we’re fighting,” Taehyun says when they’re left alone in the dressing room, gently wiping the last bits of powder from his face.

“He said that to you?”

“He pulled me aside and asked, ‘Did you do something to upset Beomgyu-hyung?’ and begged me to apologize.” Taehyun meets Beomgyu’s eyes in the mirror. “So I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ll do whatever the others need me to do to fix this.”

“I should be the one apologizing to you,” Beomgyu whispers, unable to look at even Taehyun’s reflection. He bites his tongue to keep from crying, and he tastes raw flour mixed with blood.

“You can apologize for today, hyung, but I’m not asking you to be sorry for anything else.”

Taehyun places a hand on Beomgyu’s shoulder and squeezes before leaving the room.

***

Beomgyu doesn’t have the focus to even pretend he’s interested in the broadcast Hueningkai started in the practice room - he just woke up from a nap, and it’s been going on way too long now. But he knows he has to do _something_ , so he turns his attention to the tuft of red hair in his peripheral. Taehyun is practicing some ab exercises. Perfect.

Or not. 

Taehyun isn’t in the mood today, and Beomgyu can’t blame him for immediately pushing him off when he tries to lay on his stomach. Things have been okay between them, even teetering on normal with the effort they’ve both made for the last few months. The thing is that normal for Taehyun means no exceptions when he wants to be left alone, and normal for Beomgyu is continuing to test the limits - even when he can _feel_ himself being completely obnoxious. 

So he slides underneath Taehyun, who has started holding a plank a few feet away. They’re live, so Beomgyu knows he won’t do anything truly noticeable, but Taehyun lets him know he isn’t happy by shifting the bulk of his weight onto Beomgyu’s shoulders. _How symbolic_ , he thinks. 

“I could do this all day,” Taehyun says like he’s joking.

“I don’t think I can,” Beomgyu grits out, but when Taehyun lifts up to give him the opportunity to move, he doesn’t take it. 

And Taehyun isn’t in the mood today, so he pulls himself off, leaving Beomgyu with the ghost of sharp hipbones pressing into his back.

***

Beomgyu feels like _actual years_ have passed since he last saw Taehyun. In reality, it’s only been about an hour of sitting in the artist lounge, excruciatingly spent alternating between gnawing on his lip and his hoodie string until Yeonjun physically pulls it out of his mouth.

“It’s not heart surgery, Gyu,” Yeonjun says gently. 

“Hyuka just texted an update,” Soobin interjects. “The doctor says Taehyun is fine, he can even keep performing as usual. He just has to wear a brace to protect the pinky.”

Beomgyu exhales for what feels like the first time all day. Yeonjun brings a hand up to ruffle his hair. “See? It’s just a pinky, and it’s fine. Nothing to get worked up about.”

“No one was getting worked up,” Beomgyu huffs.

“Your poor mutilated hoodie says otherwise, and we were about one lip bite away from sending _you_ to the hospital for some stitches.”

“Yeonjun-hyung,” Soobin warns, and Yeonjun backs down.

Soobin brings a comforting hand to Beomgyu’s back. “Our Taehyunnie is the strongest person I know,” he says, “and the most focused. I’m sure he’s already starting his rehabilitation exercises in the car right now. He’s not going to let any of us worry about him.”

As if that could stop Beomgyu from trying.

*

“Keep staring at me like that and my good hand is coming straight for your neck,” Taehyun says, not even looking at Beomgyu.

“I’m not staring,” he pouts, even though he’s been absolutely transfixed watching Taehyun practice flipping his prop hat with his left hand for the last 30 minutes.

“I can actually _feel_ you looking at me and it’s not making this any easier.”

Beomgyu sighs and reluctantly rolls over. “Fine, I’m sorry. But I can’t help it if I’m so handsome that it’s distracting you.”

“I honestly couldn’t even tell you what you’re wearing right now.”

“Well that’s because then you’d have to look away from my beautiful eyes, so I get it.”

“Hyung.” Taehyun’s patience is clearly wearing thin and Beomgyu _knows_ he’s one unsolicited comment away from being kicked out of the room. But Taehyun jabbing back at him is reassurance that this injury isn’t breaking his spirit, and Beomgyu needs that to keep his own intact. So he pushes.

“Yes, treasured dongsaeng of mine?”

As expected, Taehyun’s hat comes flying straight for his ribcage. 

“ _Out_ ,” Taehyun is firm, but doesn’t raise his voice. “We have a performance _tomorrow_. If I can’t do this perfectly…”

“Literally all of us, and all of our fans, would understand.”

“If they pity me and say ‘it’s okay because he’s injured,’ that’s worse to me than being scolded. That’s worse than being told I’m just not good enough. It’s not an option.”

And Beomgyu understands, is the thing. To some extent, all of them share this determination, this unwavering commitment to putting all of themselves and more into the work. But Taehyun has always held himself to this higher than anyone, and it makes Beomgyu’s heart both swell with admiration and break with concern at the same time.

Beomgyu peels himself up, rolls his shoulders back and walks over.

“I know,” he says, unable to stop himself from risking one step across the acceptable distance line into Taehyun’s personal space. “I know you. If anyone can take a setback like this and make it look effortless, it’s you.” He hands the hat back, grazing his fingers over Taehyun’s brace and letting them linger. “But I’d also break my own pinky, if it meant you wouldn’t have to do this.”

Taehyun takes a deep breath, and Beomgyu is close enough to see his chest rise and his fingers twitch against the hat. Like an uncontrollable reflex, Beomgyu spots his shirt collar slipping and immediately reaches out to fix it, earning him a pointed glare.

With no free hands, Taehyun head butts him, square on the shoulder.

“Yeah, and then Yeonjun-hyung would break one for you, and Soobin-hyung would break one for him, and the cycle would go on and on between the five of us until we had no usable fingers left. Idiot.”

“Even when I’m trying to be sincere, you never let me have anything.”

“And I never will. Now go, please, before I break your pinky myself.”

***

The first time Taehyun hands over the film camera and asks, “will you take one of me, Beomgyu-hyung?”

Beomgyu looks at him through the lens, and wonders: 

_When did you grow to be so fierce?_

***

They haven’t done the radio show in a while, and Beomgyu almost forgot how much he enjoyed planning sessions with Taehyun. 

Normally, it was fun for them to collect anonymous -- or not so anonymous, with how well they knew each other at this point -- input from the others to read on the air. But this time around, Beomgyu feels nothing but dread reading the letter he finds slipped under his studio door:

_To our “cute enough to smash the universe” DJs:_

_I’m also a super cute member of Tomorrow X Together. Probably the cutest member, in fact. Anyway, recently one of our members went through an injury, and we have all been making sure to take care of him. But I’m writing today because I think one of our other members might be doing too much. He can’t stop hovering, and I feel like our injured member might be uncomfortable. It’s making me worried for both of them, because these two have fought before. I don’t know what it was about, but I don’t want it to happen again. I just want all of us to be happy together always. So our trusted DJs, what advice do you have?_

Beomgyu can’t decide if he wants to throw up, punch the wall, or curl into a ball and never speak to anyone again. He wonders if Hueningkai came to these conclusions solely based on his own observations, or if Taehyun – his roommate, his same-aged friend – had expressed these concerns to him. Either option is devastating in its own right. And either option, Beomgyu _cannot_ let Taehyun see this letter.

“I think we should change things up for this one,” Beomgyu pitches the next day. They’re in Taehyun’s studio, where Beomgyu rarely catches an invite. 

“What did you have in mind?” 

“What if we just played music that we like?” 

“Ah, like real DJs,” Taehyun nods. “I like that. We can each come up with our own playlist and talk about the songs we chose.”

“I think our fans will enjoy it,” Beomgyu says, relief washing over him. “I like the old way, I just… don’t you think we’ve changed?”

Taehyun studies him, and Beomgyu feels like his skin could peel off. “All of us, I mean,” he scrambles. “We can solve things without some silly letters, right? We’re adults-”

“Some things have changed, sure. We’ve been doing this for a while now,” Taehyun finally answers. “But not everything.”

Beomgyu watches his eyes travel across the room, to the small corkboard leaning against the desk, not even secured to a wall. His breath catches when he sees the photo strip, recognizable even from this distance, of the two of them at the arcade they used to frequent. 

“You kept that?” Beomgyu manages, even though it feels like all the air’s been kicked out of his lungs.

“Of course I did,” Taehyun laughs, “why do you seem so surprised?”

“I’m not,” Beomgyu says quietly, but he knows it’s a lie.

***

Soobin waits for Beomgyu to take off his gaming headset, a polite gesture for someone who has been not-so-subtly burning holes into the back of his skull for the last twenty minutes.

“Beomgyu-yah –“

“Nope, no. Not today. Don’t pull the leader tone on me.”

“Then please assure me that I have no reason to use it.”

Beomgyu spins in his chair and he’s met with furrowed brows and pursed lips. Soobin really does look like a rabbit sometimes, he thinks.

“What do I have to say to get you off my back?”

“Tell me you’re writing a song,” Soobin says, “and that you love me.”

Beomgyu exaggerates a gasp. “How did you know that I’m writing a song about how much I love you?”

“Enough. I’m being serious. I can see you getting in your head again.” Soobin tilts his head and appraises him carefully. “I just want to make sure you aren’t going somewhere that I can’t bring you back from.” 

“I’m right here, hyung. I literally sleep above you. You couldn’t lose me if you tried.”

“Trust me, no one is trying to. This team doesn’t work if we aren’t all in it together. I know we’ve had a weird year, but I – _we_ – need to know that _you’re_ still on the same page.”

Beomgyu knows he needs to shake this, the feeling of Taehyun under his skin, of teeth pressed behind lips and a vice grip of intertwined fingers around his heart.

“I am. Of course I am.”

***

After their broadcast, Taehyun trails Beomgyu back to his studio.

“And you’re following me because…”

“Because you said you’d sing that song for me, stupid. Don’t think I forgot,” Taehyun teases.

“I didn’t think you were serious about that,” Beomgyu says, blush creeping up his ears.

“Of course I was. Now, are you going to invite me in?”

Beomgyu reluctantly turns the handle and gestures for Taehyun to enter first. He really doesn’t think he can do this tonight. He felt vulnerable enough just explaining what the lyrics mean – _“I want to give you my love”_ – he can’t imagine how raw it would feel to actually _sing them_ in front of Taehyun. 

Taehyun, ever patient, just sits on the couch and doesn’t press him to start.

“You have it set up really nice in here,” he says easily, eyeing the Christmas lights Beomgyu keeps in the corner. “It’s cozy.”

“Taehyun-ah –“

“Hmm?”

“Why are you here, really?”

Taehyun looks at him, searching for how he should interpret that. “What do you mean?”

“I just…I thought I was annoying you.”

“When did I say that?”

“You haven’t, but…” Beomgyu thinks back to Hueningkai’s letter. “I’m doing too much, aren’t I? I’m hovering.”

“You’re not annoying me,” Taehyun says, and he sounds sincere. “You and I take care of each other, we always have. I just wish you knew that you don’t have anything to prove.”

Beomgyu folds his lips into each other, mulling over the words. “So you didn’t tell Hueningkai that you wanted me to back off.”

“Did he say that to you?”

“He wrote a letter,” Beomgyu feels stupid, trying to explain now. He sits down on the coffee table, across from Taehyun.

“So that’s why you wanted to do the show differently. Hyung, I’ve never talked to Hueningie about you.”

“Never?”

“No, I couldn’t – I was worried, if I let my guard down, that I’d say too much.”

Beomgyu lets the implications of that statement wash over him. His mistake, their secret, all of the guilt, all of the _feelings_ he’s been sitting on come bubbling to the surface. 

“I’m so sorry,” Beomgyu whispers, “this is all my fault.”

“And now you’ve lost me. What are you even talking about?”

“I know that I messed up, in LA last year. And I know we’ve never talked about it but you _need_ to let me apologize. I made you uncomfortable because I couldn’t control my feelings and I keep doing it and it’s not right, so please –“

“No, you, hyung, _please_ shut up,” Taehyun’s eyes are saucers, staring at him incredulously. “Is that really how you think I feel?”

“I-“ Beomgyu is lost for words, because there was never an alternative. _Was there an alternative?_

“Beomgyu-hyung,” Taehyun pins him with his gaze, “Listen to me, and understand what I’m saying: I wanted you to.”

“No,” Beomgyu shakes his head at rapid speed. “You didn’t…you didn’t. You couldn’t have.”

“I’m literally telling you that I did. I wanted it. How could you not know? How can you still not know?”

“But what you said, afterwards – “

“I was scared. We had _just_ debuted. I didn’t want my feelings for you to be the reason we somehow failed,” Taehyun shakes his head. “And it seemed like it was better if we never talked about it…if I knew for sure you felt the way I did, I don’t think I could have kept things under control. But of course I wanted it.”

The last year and a half plays like a stilted VCR in Beomgyu’s brain as he tries to patch together a version where this makes sense, a version where Taehyun wanted him too. 

“And now?” Beomgyu forces the words up from where they’re sitting in his chest. “Do you still want it now?”

He knows this is a risky game, and there’s still a chance Taehyun could reject him. The same concerns that first got them into this situation still apply. But he’s just unlocked everything he’s buried for eighteen months, and he _needs_ to know.

Taehyun just looks at him, like he’s evaluating every possible outcome of every possible answer he could give. He probably is.

“Because I want to,” Beomgyu clarifies, adrenaline pulsing, “and I will. If you tell me it’s okay, and you want this, I will.”

“I do,” Taehyun finally breathes out, and that’s all Beomgyu needs to move forward.

***

“Taehyun-ah, I love you,” Beomgyu stretches out the words. Taehyun remains expressionless, because of course he’s good at this game.

Beomgyu pouts, bats his eyes, pushes his face into Taehyun’s space. “Say it back!” He whines.

“Fine,” Taehyun cedes, but he doesn’t break his stoic expression. “I love you, too.”

***

“Are you sure?” Beomgyu stops and hovers with barely centimeters left between them. 

“You’re an idiot,” Taehyun whispers, unbearably soft, and closes the gap himself. 

Despite the feeling that he’s been waiting for this _forever_ , there’s none of the urgency Beomgyu would have expected. Taehyun’s lips press against his with the same practiced patience and focus he uses in their conversations. He slowly guides a hand underneath Beomgyu’s chin, gently pressing a thumb under his lower lip to get him to loosen up, to let him in. Beomgyu sighs into it, and the butterflies in his ribcage suddenly become a million tiny firecrackers, all going off at once. 

His hand settles at the base of Taehyun’s skull, prompting him to drop his head back, letting Beomgyu mouth along his jawline until his nose abruptly presses into his ear and they both can’t help but laugh. They reconnect still smiling, teeth clicking together as Beomgyu moves to catch Taehyun’s bottom lip, slowly unraveling into a mess of giggles and saliva as they fall out of sync. 

Their arms stay looped around each other’s shoulders, hands on backs of necks as they pull back and Taehyun guides their foreheads to touch. 

“I can’t believe this,” Beomgyu says, afraid to open his eyes and find out he dreamt the whole thing. 

“I can’t believe you thought you were alone, all this time,” Taehyun answers, sliding his nose up the line of Beomgyu’s until his lips land between his eyebrows, pressing a kiss there. “I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.”

“I literally…do not even care right now,” Beomgyu confesses. And he doesn’t. He’d relive every minute since they met over and over if it meant they’d always end up here.

“We do have to talk about this though, you know that,” Taehyun sighs. “Before we leave this room. Because once we do…”

“I know,” Beomgyu pulls him impossibly closer, shaking his head against his neck. “That door opens and it’s over. We can’t have this.”

They both know exactly what needs to happen without it being said, but Beomgyu knows Taehyun won’t risk leaving space for misunderstanding this time. This time, it’s a choice they’re making together, to open this box right now – and it’ll be a choice they make together to close it, lock it, and store it away, indefinitely, for the sake of their team. 

“Just let me be selfish for a few more minutes,” Beomgyu tilts his head back up, and Taehyun nods before their lips find each other one last time.

***

Beomgyu calls his mother when he learns, only one month after joining the company, that he’s made the debut lineup. 

“I’m so proud of you,” she says, and her voice sounds shaky through the receiver. “I just worry, sometimes, that you’re too young to understand everything you’re about to give up.”

***

Beomgyu looks at the other four members – his teammates – sprawled throughout the artist lounge, and he can still see their younger selves, the versions of them that he knew before he understood how much they’d come to mean to him.

Soobin lays across one couch on his stomach, sleeping with his mouth open, feet hanging over the edge. Hueningkai is on the ground directly below him, staring up at his phone and giggling. Yeonjun is huddled next to Taehyun, sharing earbuds and adding notes to the lyric sheets in front of them. 

Beomgyu reaches a foot out from his spot on the other couch, tapping Taehyun’s thigh. He doesn’t look up, just reaches a hand down to hold Beomgyu’s ankle, the smallest of smiles creeping onto his lips.

*

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  canon references in order of appearance:  
> • [Universe Smash Radio episode 1](https://www.vlive.tv/post/1-18395041)  
> • [Cat & Dog mv shooting](https://www.vlive.tv/post/0-18384665)  
> • [Yeonjun vs jelly bean in Orlando](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXi1a4RhnkM&list=PL-_OJ0JPc_PDcTFMZQ9CYsNDvVVUK-gPS&index=14)  
> • [Taegyu at the arcade](https://www.vlive.tv/post/0-18384672)  
> • [Meeting BTS in Chicago](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VWpDH3rQRQ&t=16s)  
> • [Fever dream V-Live](https://www.vlive.tv/post/0-18547732)  
> • [One Dream LA - Wango Tango](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HggfCOfBbUo&list=PL-_OJ0JPc_PDcTFMZQ9CYsNDvVVUK-gPS&index=24)  
> • [Flour Pass Game](https://www.vlive.tv/post/0-18384595)  
> • [Practice Room V-Live](https://www.vlive.tv/post/0-18384577)  
> • [Taking photos onset](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYoPPLbsYzU)  
> • [Universe Smash Playlist live](https://www.vlive.tv/post/0-19934391)  
> • TXT plays a version of the I Love You game [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmzt7Ui3Ny4) but I used [this version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxjGsPBM3wc) enhypen played  
> 


End file.
